"Girl, you look like you've gained weight."
Her words were asphalt against my newly developed skin. It had been four months since I had seen my friend, and I can honestly say this was not the kind of greeting I expected. I expected excited conversations and maybe a word or two about how great I looked.
Not the dreaded self-esteem killer.
Our time was cut short because of that one remark. As we talked, my eyes traveled to and fro across the art hanging behind her. I could not bear to meet her eyes for fear that she would see an additional five pounds lurking in the depths of my soul.
In an instant my friend became just another negative voice beckoning me to give in once again to the all-consuming quest of thin.
Every time I looked into the mirror that night, her words echoed through the glass: "You've gained weight." It was like a death sentence had been spoken over me. I began second-guessing the people in my life, wondering why they never commented on my obvious failure. I looked people in the eyes when they saw me, waiting for that moment of weight-gain recognition to reflect in their face. My mind made assumptions that my reality hesitated to believe, and I was left battling out the situation in my head.
The truth is, real-Alexis was not all that bothered by the comment. I had finally reached a place in my life where I was happy with my body. The number on the scale did not hold the key to my happiness, and I cared more about the health of my body than the shape of it. Eating disorder-Alexis, on the other hand, was wrecked by the comment. Eating disorder-Alexis places her whole identity in appearance. If the number on the scale rises, she freaks. If someone points out a flaw in her appearance, she avoids the world until that flaw is fixed to perfection. Eating disorder-Alexis places way too much responsibility on the opinions of others.
In order to move past my friend's comment, I had to make a choice. I could accept my friend's comment as merely her opinion and continue to live my life, or I could hold tight to her words and slowly construct my destruction zone. I chose to keep living. I chose to keep believing what God says about me and embrace truth. I chose to keep placing one foot in front of the other and continue my journey of recovery.
People will always have their own opinions about your appearance, but if you want to live in full recovery, you can't depend on their opinions. Being in recovery means dealing with the good comments and the bad comments. It means moving past the eating disorder voice and evaluating your own health before thinness. It means refusing to let anyone change your opinion of yourself in the time span of five minutes.
Eating disorder recovery is not about ignoring the negative comments of others. Recovery is not denial; it is facing the truth. Recovery is listening to those comments with a stable mind (hard- I know!) and deciding what to do with the comments when the other person has walked away. It is a stable state in a rocky boat. It is the hand you cling to when everything else seems so uncertain.
I don't have this process anymore figured out than you, but I know the One who paves the path and shows us the way. God has not abandoned us to fight these battles on our own. He has equipped us with the armor we need, and He stays by our side when we let the enemy's taunts pierce our hearts beneath the armor. His truth heals the wounds and gives us the strength to face the world again. He gives us the courage to look into the eyes of those around us without fearing their thoughts.
Because most of the time, you will be met with eyes that accept you just as you are, no matter what you weigh.
