Who's to Blame?

"It's not my fault."

I am sitting on the couch in front of therapist #2. He just asked me why I chose to give into the behaviors of my eating disorder. I tell him it wasn't my choice. Instead, I list off people who influence my decision, chemicals in my brain that make me react, circumstances that warrant erratic behavior, and the food that taunts me day and night.

"It's their fault," I say as I glance out the window into the parking lot below. "They made me do it."

His eyebrows rise and anger burns instantly in my chest. "What does he know, anyway? He's just a therapist; he knows nothing about the reality of an eating disorder." I let my thoughts carry me away from the situation at hand and encamp on the reasons I am sitting here in this office. So many reasons, and so much ammunition to fire out blame.

He infuriates me more by staying silent. I stare at him until I can take the silence no longer.

"What do you want me to say? It's the truth."

More staring and eyebrow raising. I swear- this man will send me to the crazy house.

"Fine. You want me to talk? I'll talk. I know you want me to say that this is my fault. I know you want me to sit here and tell you how horrible a person I am. Well guess what? I know I'm a horrible person. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be sitting here. I know I have issues, and I know you assume that I am the only one to blame. So listen to me say this and be sure to write it down on that yellow pad of yours: It's. My. Fault."

I slump back in my chair and wait for his response. Five minutes later he shifts his weight in his chair and says, " You don't believe that."

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Blame plays an important role in the recovery process. At the beginning of the eating disorder, anyone and anything is to blame. I blamed the people in my life for my problems. I listed circumstance after circumstance of traumatic events. I even studied my personality and used it as the basis to cast blame. Nothing was my fault. I assumed no responsibility for my actions, and my eating disorder, as a result, spiraled quickly out of control.

With that loss of control came the realization that I did have some control. I did not have control over the events or people in my life, but I was in control of the way I acted in response to those people and events. I was the one who made the choice to lean on destructive behaviors instead of dealing with the circumstance constructively.

I was to blame, at least in part.

Eating disorders are complex problems that are formed in response to many factors. The media is not solely to blame for the idealization of thinness. Family is not the sole factor in developing an eating disorder. Traumatic events play a part, but so does the personality of each individual. There is not one reason I developed an eating disorder, and there is not one single reason you developed one either. Life brought in a variety of factors; I just chose to focus on those factors instead of my personal responsibility to get better.

Jenni Schaefer has a short video that speaks powerfully into this topic. We cannot place the blame on a certain individual or thing in our lives. We have to acknowledge that this is a complex issue, and-more importantly- take our role in getting out of the mess.

You decide today if anyone and anything is to blame.